The trouble with love is

There has been trouble at home recently.

A 19-years-old marriage is at a crossroad. I don't know where it'll head towards, but I found myself wishing it won't end. The troubles started with personality clashes and poor communication, and it never really got resolved. I guess it is why it has been snowballing since. Now it's gotten so big it's crushing both parties with its immense weight.

I stood at the side, a spectator, unsure of what I can do. It doesn't feel like something I can offer help with, even though I've practically watched the snowball gather its mass for 19 years.

What am I to say?

On one hand we have a guy who's only back home twice a year, hardly calls, hardly (never?) assures his wife of his presence and his love. He works hard for the family, even though he (strangely) doesn't bring in much. Is it bad luck or is there something more? 

On the other hand, we have a virtuous wife who keeps the house in order and takes care of the kids. She's simple-minded, doesn't really know how to manage finances and doesn't know how to coax her husband. But she's a good wife, and the only thing she's asking for is some assurance, some care and concern from her husband.

He doesn't see a problem in his behavior even though she cries and talks about it, even though he wasn't like that before and it's pretty obvious there is a problem. She's too simple to try to probe for more information out of him, so she cries when he puts up the wall.

There was a time when I would've encouraged a divorce, but not anymore. As I grew older, I came to understand relationships better. A relationship is a labor of love, a delicate and precious thing; it's unique to that two individuals and it contains so much pain and joy and intricacies all wrapped up in a messy package. I now see a problem that could be solved through better communication and more compromises. Unless, of course, he has had a change of heart.

Then again, how do we ever find out if he doesn't tell? Should she just give it up or hang on till he gives in? What if he really didn't hide anything from her?

I am not in the position to advise or judge, but I'm in the position to learn from it. 

People always say that trust is very important in a marriage. Now I see that equally important is consideration. There would've been no problem if he had put himself in her shoes and seen that all he needed to do was to show her a little attention and love. There would've been more trust, lesser anger, and more love. And if he has changed, seeing her in pain would've spurred him to tell the truth.

I wish them happiness and peace, whichever way it turns out.

Obsession

A few days ago, I found myself wondering if my desire to leave the country isn't becoming an obsession, and if my preferred destination of North America isn't blinding me.

I'm worried that the obsession is keeping my brain from seeing all the options that I have, and I might end up doing too little of anything constructive.

Amidst my worries, I found myself wondering if obsession might not be what led to great discoveries and inventions, successful enterprises and dreams coming true. After all, obsession makes terrific motivation. Scientists live and breath obsession, and they come up with great discoveries and creations. Musicians immerse themselves in music, and they make music that remain well-loved even after they pass on.

If I obsess over a dream, it probably increases the likelihood of me making it come true. It is hugely silly to have such a dream, but people can't control what they obsess about, can they?

Then I guess the logic dictates that I can't control the destination that stole my attention as well.

In the meantime, most of what I do will have a common denominator in terms of purpose and motivation.

The story so far...

I'm a dreamer from Singapore, a tiny island somewhere in South-East Asia. It's a very dense and well-stocked country for its size. You can find almost everything you need here, except space and awesome natural landscape.

Various psychology tests have revealed me to be introverted, intuitive, feeling... and I swing between judging and perceiving depending on the subject. I think that sums me up pretty well. Materials doesn't entice me the way it entice others, and I can't hold a job if I can't see meaning doing it. I guess that's the reason why I'm currently unemployed. And broke.

So what dream am I having? Which pretty little world am I chasing?

As a child I was vulnerable to frequent attacks of insecurity that results in a inexplicable feeling of homesickness. Perhaps it's this irrational sense of homesickness that led me to dream about a place I have never seen before but found so many times described in the books I read, the films I watched and the songs I listen to.

I am chasing a place I dreamed about so many times, over and over, for more than a decade.
The place I have never been to is my pretty little world. Yet I've seen it so many times in my head.

I'm embarking on a long and arduous journey to get there.