Silence descends upon me. I have been sick for the past few days, and it makes me think about my inactivity. I have a tendency to want to stop moving. It frightens me. I know how difficult it is to break the inertia, so once I stopped moving it takes a push to get started again. Each time it happens, I need a bigger push.

What made me so immobile? I think it's a lack of things to live for. Perhaps it's dysthymia, but living is such a tedious concept I can barely grasp it. All I think is, "so what?" So what if I did this? So what if I got out of the rat race? So what if I managed to get a blog going? What matters? Nothing, really. My heart is so tired, the only thing it feels is weariness.

People like us. We have little energy and drive for life, but we carry with us a shell of despair. we have to be selective with how we use them.

I'm sorry this is such a dreary post, but this is how dysthymics can view the world. I know I am part of it, but I know too well that I'm the appendage that serves no purpose. Some people are moms, some husbands, partners, child etc. I'm a child and a sister to my parents and my siblings, but I'm the parasitic one. The non-contributing one. Not like I refused to, there simply was no need to. They're self-sufficient in their own units.

I love my family and all. They got their lives together. They're complete circles and I'm just a circle with some parts overlapping theirs. Remove this circle, they'll still be complete. What am I doing here?

My departure would surely bring unhappiness, because they're used to my presence, and my parents love me to bits. That might be the only good reason for my existence.

He could have been the light at the end of the tunnel for me, but feeling that way is a mistake in itself. No one should be depended upon in that manner. It's simply selfish. I have gotten over him, and it feels like another light going out.

So what else is left? I'm an amateur thinker, and that has kept me afloat for a while. I guess it's what I'm doing now; foraging for knowledge that nourishes my soul so that I would live to see another day.