Between a desire to start a new life and the fear that I won't be able to cope, I've stirred up a lot of imperfections within me, I've unearthed some emotions I haven't been able to face, and I've forgotten the magic music has over me.
On the internal landscape, I've been struggling with a lack of energy and a desire to do more. I've been considering my resources and becoming selfish about sharing it - time, energy, money etc. I live with my sister and her family, so there are more chores to be done, and naturally I need to do my part. But I got mad sharing my time and spending my energy on these events because I know these could be spent resting or building my dreams. When I don't do them, I feel guilty.
I thought about how much time I can save if I lived alone. There will be lesser dishes and laundry to do. Or if I didn't have my cats, I won't have to worry about litter etc... I don't know how things got so far and how I got so selfish. I want to say it's because I'm so lethargic everyday - the lethargy is a persistent feeling permeating my chest and radiating towards my limbs, but I'm afraid it's also my selfish and lazy nature. That said, I love my cats and they're decently cared for.
On the external landscape, I'm struggling with a desire to pursue my dreams and a fear of going it alone. Why would people want to read what I write? Would I have enough ideas to support a blog? Do I write well enough? I want to live in another country - can I do it alone? Would I be able to get used to another culture and start all over? Who am I to think I can manage?
At 30 my social skills aren't good, my navigation questionable and my dependability... never tested. I don't have skills, and still have the shadow of social anxiety following me around. I haven't been brave enough to break through to the other side. There's also the depression and insecurity to cope with. Do I trust myself to survive in another country? I honestly don't. I'm so flawed it's disgusting.
Altogether, it's just extremely overwhelming. God it's hard to breath. I know worrying does nothing, and I'm sorry if this post created negativity.
I need to take it step by step, and stop questioning if it will work out eventually. What is life if I don't live it the way I want to right? It's better to start from scratch learning something I believe in, than to continue with what I'm comfortable with knowing I don't love it. I need to readjust my mindset, be brave and break out of this negativity. I know I am flawed, it's just something I have to keep working on.
For now, I'll take a break, a breather and then start again.
If you're feeling the same way, do know that you're not alone. I wish you all the best, wherever you are. I hope you're pursuing your desire, no matter how obscure it is or how far you are from it. Doing anything else would be wasting our time on earth, and our time here is precious and short.
Monday, January 25, 2016
The Inconvenience of Dysthymia
I don't usually write about dysthymia, but I think it's time to. I'm not sure how much people who were never afflicted with dysthymia understand about it. It's essentially a chronic form of depression that is milder but more constant. It's present more often than not, over a period of months or years. Sometimes we get an episode of depression on top of it, and we call it double depression. It sucks.
I'm not experiencing an episode at the moment, thankfully. How does dysthymia feel like?
It feels like nothing, actually. It can manifest as numbness, a lack of emotion, sadness, heaviness, or all these at once. The limbs will feel heavy, the mind will feel dulled and energy would be low in general. I hate it.
Because of its chronic nature, it changes the life of the dysthymic. It affects the choices we make and the sort of jobs we take. It causes much difficulty for us to attain our full potential. Most of us could have achieved so much more if we weren't sick from it. A lot of us can't take up full-time jobs because we have too many down days. I would never say it's mild. It's destructive.
It affects our social circle because we don't have the motivation to go out. When energy is scarce and gatherings don't bring you joy, you just want to stay at home. It is not that we don't love our friends, we simply don't have the capacity to socialize at times. One night out with friends could mean exhaustion for the next few days.
It affects how we take care of ourselves. Because of our low energy, simple tasks become terribly difficult, this includes anything from getting out of bed to doing the laundry. To make things worse, dysthymics have a hard time feeling motivation and satisfaction, so it takes a lot of coaxing and determination to get anything done.
Take me for instance, I have been wanting to improve my diet - to eat clean, so I've been juicing. Though it's a simple task, the thought of juicing nevertheless fills me with dread because I think about the preparation work and feel overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by washing and cutting the fruits the night before and then putting them in my nifty nutribullet the next morning.
I know how it sounds.
I can assure you it's not laziness. When I'm better, doing those things aren't a problem at all. I can make lunches the night before and do housework like normal people can. It is when I'm sick that doing these gives me an overpowering sense of dread. And this sickness is chronic.
The best I can do is try to ignore the dread and push myself through the motions. When that's done, I don't feel much. I'll just be dreading the next night's work. And this is only one aspect of my life. Put the same dread on commuting, 9 hours workdays, 5 days workweek, week after week. It's a constant dread we need to battle with.
And I wonder why I'm always exhausted.
I'm not experiencing an episode at the moment, thankfully. How does dysthymia feel like?
It feels like nothing, actually. It can manifest as numbness, a lack of emotion, sadness, heaviness, or all these at once. The limbs will feel heavy, the mind will feel dulled and energy would be low in general. I hate it.
Because of its chronic nature, it changes the life of the dysthymic. It affects the choices we make and the sort of jobs we take. It causes much difficulty for us to attain our full potential. Most of us could have achieved so much more if we weren't sick from it. A lot of us can't take up full-time jobs because we have too many down days. I would never say it's mild. It's destructive.
It affects our social circle because we don't have the motivation to go out. When energy is scarce and gatherings don't bring you joy, you just want to stay at home. It is not that we don't love our friends, we simply don't have the capacity to socialize at times. One night out with friends could mean exhaustion for the next few days.
It affects how we take care of ourselves. Because of our low energy, simple tasks become terribly difficult, this includes anything from getting out of bed to doing the laundry. To make things worse, dysthymics have a hard time feeling motivation and satisfaction, so it takes a lot of coaxing and determination to get anything done.
Take me for instance, I have been wanting to improve my diet - to eat clean, so I've been juicing. Though it's a simple task, the thought of juicing nevertheless fills me with dread because I think about the preparation work and feel overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by washing and cutting the fruits the night before and then putting them in my nifty nutribullet the next morning.
I know how it sounds.
I can assure you it's not laziness. When I'm better, doing those things aren't a problem at all. I can make lunches the night before and do housework like normal people can. It is when I'm sick that doing these gives me an overpowering sense of dread. And this sickness is chronic.
The best I can do is try to ignore the dread and push myself through the motions. When that's done, I don't feel much. I'll just be dreading the next night's work. And this is only one aspect of my life. Put the same dread on commuting, 9 hours workdays, 5 days workweek, week after week. It's a constant dread we need to battle with.
And I wonder why I'm always exhausted.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
I will forget
Max is reminiscing. Reminiscing about him. The man she fell so deeply for. The memories were brief but beautiful. She remembers her hand on his face, tracing the side of it, touching his beard, memorizing his lips, the tip of his nose, she remembers the kisses; his eyes, dark and brooding. She remembers. She remembers.
She squeezed her eyes shut. Her heart hurts from these memories, but they're all she have now, and she is trapped in them.
"I am dreaming about something that belongs to the past," she thought, her hands cupping her face, "I keep telling myself there's more, there's more, even after all the cards have been laid out on the table. There is no more! There is a story, and some memories, but more is not in it."
She squeezed her eyes shut. Her heart hurts from these memories, but they're all she have now, and she is trapped in them.
"I am dreaming about something that belongs to the past," she thought, her hands cupping her face, "I keep telling myself there's more, there's more, even after all the cards have been laid out on the table. There is no more! There is a story, and some memories, but more is not in it."
With the distance between them, it would be more logical for her to forget him, but all she forgets is that she has become a good friend to him. So she made herself read her old texts, and screenshot the part where he said she's a good friend, that he's not capable of feeling more. Now that the words are sinking in, she wants to make herself remember that, and snuff out any remaining embers.
"It is difficult, but I will."
"I will forget you." She promised.
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