Between a desire to start a new life and the fear that I won't be able to cope, I've stirred up a lot of imperfections within me, I've unearthed some emotions I haven't been able to face, and I've forgotten the magic music has over me.
On the internal landscape, I've been struggling with a lack of energy and a desire to do more. I've been considering my resources and becoming selfish about sharing it - time, energy, money etc. I live with my sister and her family, so there are more chores to be done, and naturally I need to do my part. But I got mad sharing my time and spending my energy on these events because I know these could be spent resting or building my dreams. When I don't do them, I feel guilty.
I thought about how much time I can save if I lived alone. There will be lesser dishes and laundry to do. Or if I didn't have my cats, I won't have to worry about litter etc... I don't know how things got so far and how I got so selfish. I want to say it's because I'm so lethargic everyday - the lethargy is a persistent feeling permeating my chest and radiating towards my limbs, but I'm afraid it's also my selfish and lazy nature. That said, I love my cats and they're decently cared for.
On the external landscape, I'm struggling with a desire to pursue my dreams and a fear of going it alone. Why would people want to read what I write? Would I have enough ideas to support a blog? Do I write well enough? I want to live in another country - can I do it alone? Would I be able to get used to another culture and start all over? Who am I to think I can manage?
At 30 my social skills aren't good, my navigation questionable and my dependability... never tested. I don't have skills, and still have the shadow of social anxiety following me around. I haven't been brave enough to break through to the other side. There's also the depression and insecurity to cope with. Do I trust myself to survive in another country? I honestly don't. I'm so flawed it's disgusting.
Altogether, it's just extremely overwhelming. God it's hard to breath. I know worrying does nothing, and I'm sorry if this post created negativity.
I need to take it step by step, and stop questioning if it will work out eventually. What is life if I don't live it the way I want to right? It's better to start from scratch learning something I believe in, than to continue with what I'm comfortable with knowing I don't love it. I need to readjust my mindset, be brave and break out of this negativity. I know I am flawed, it's just something I have to keep working on.
For now, I'll take a break, a breather and then start again.
If you're feeling the same way, do know that you're not alone. I wish you all the best, wherever you are. I hope you're pursuing your desire, no matter how obscure it is or how far you are from it. Doing anything else would be wasting our time on earth, and our time here is precious and short.
No comments:
Post a Comment