Growing Up

I watched Laggies, and it reminded me about how easy it is to go adrift in the passage of life.

At 30, I'm not happy with my life. I'm not proud of my job, I'm not serious enough about it. I don't have a relationship. I have friends who don't really know me. I have an awesome family but I'm difficult to understand. My skin is getting bad, my hair stringy, I don't bother with make-up. My self-esteem hasn't improved. Instead of better, I'm just getting worse.

I've got some serious growing up to do.

I'm also being quite the parasite of the family. My siblings are all set up in their respective families so I'm usually putting up at either of their places - tagging on to their dinners, clean toilets, snacks and so on. I feel guilty a lot, but I hate cleaning toilets. So basically, I'm a lazy POS. The most I do is the dishes, vacuum the floor or help out with the laundry. I think they've noticed it.

You may think I can just start changing and help out with the cooking and more cleaning - but old habits are stubborn as hell. I think it is time to move the hell out, but I do not want to move out within this tiny island of a country too. Ah I'm a difficult person, ain't I? It's just plain dumb to pay $650 for a little room with a shared toilet when I'm 30 minutes away from home.

And then there's the stupid dysthymia to think about. I caught a break today, otherwise I can't even write, let alone manage the housework. I imagined if I lived alone, I could at least roll around in my own dirt and wallow in self-pity without feeling guilty. I could also cook lousy dinners and clean up at my own pace.

What do I do then? If I was a friend listening to myself, I'll want to strangle myself. I have an excuse to cover every complaint. But, don't we all? Because change is difficult. Inertia is strong. Stability is comfortable.

But there always come a time when staying the same becomes dangerous. If I don't start changing, I'm just going to start giving up on life unconsciously, because the more you stall the less time you're left with and it becomes a sick sort of excuse to forget about really living. In fact, I think I have already started to give up... I have already started to think this is it, and I'll probably accept it. Can I imagine continuing like that? I can, but it'll be a life wasted.

At times I wonder if this is all I deserved, and the answer would be yes if I keep dodging life.
I need to live. And at 30 I still don't know how. Perhaps no one was supposed to know how, that's why we call it "growing up". I think we're supposed to be brave and move towards our own direction and learn along the way.

So, what's my direction?

I actually know it. I'm paralyzed by fear because I know where I want to head towards and it freaks me out. Oh it frightens me so badly.

I guess no one said growing up was easy.