Ego and will

There are two forces in my head. They are ego and willpower.
Ego makes me weak.
Willpower makes me strong.
As a dysthymic, my brain is often not on my side. When things happen, my brain clouds over and willpower becomes ever so weak. I worry and fret and get mad over issues.

However, weak as it is. Willpower never gives up. I hear its voice whispering words of reason; words that prevent me from toppling over the edge.

Growing up, I've always been awfully self-conscious and judgmental of myself. That is a result of ego, I've learnt. I don't like to fail; I don't like to feel rejected; I don't like to fall. It's embarrassing and ego-damaging. It took learning to cast ego aside and not to take things personally that allowed me to become a little wiser with every struggle I overcame.

Today, my visa application got denied because my reason to visit was, to them, unusual and I didn't have all the documents I needed. Rather than seeing it as an administrative issue, I saw it as a personal failure. I thought about how others applied for reasons more legit and abilities better than mine. They are capable folks going there to work, intelligent folks going there to further their education, hardworking kids accepted by good schools there.

And me?

I am just an ordinary girl trying to find myself; trying to get away from this city to catch my breath and work on my passion. In their eyes, I am a potential illegal immigrant. I was crestfallen.

It really isn't a big deal, but I spent most of today trying to talk myself out of this ditch. I can't help but feel that I am not good enough. Questions arose, like maybe what I'm trying to do is wrong? Has a death sentence been given to my dreams? Maybe I should give up before I screw up more?

Thankfully, behind all these questions stood willpower with its quiet voice. I could barely hear it, but it is there. It is firm.

'Don't be stupid,' it scolded, 'it's not about you. It is a standard operating procedure.'

I need to take 'me' out of the equation.

They weren't judging me, and I need to stop judging myself.